Monday, March 24, 2014

Aloha Rick!

Control the controllable!

I haven’t posted much here in a very long time….and the last handful were more on the fluffy side anyway, but that is a good thing as no news is good news right!  Fortunately my reasoning for updating doesn't involve me directly however it is still something that has affected me dramatically in the last 24 hours and feel an update required, even if just for my own later use as really making me think as the damn train is back and rolled right over me!  

A reference I fortunately haven’t used in years that many of you may recall from my days in Queens, and thank god not for same reason this time, but the train blindsided me again as I received word yesterday of the passing of a friend and fellow “survivor” in Rick Moss.  This is way too close to home and has really rattled me as he was supposed to be part of our little hui of throat cancer SURVIVORS yet in his case, it came back and this time he was not so fortunate…further the speed in which it all happened is just as frightening and to think he was about 5 years or so ahead of me since his diagnosis…so much for being a “curable” cancer!  WTF????   Frankly, this has not only blindsided me but has simply scared the shit out of me in a brutal reminder of what cards we have been dealt and of my own mortality in how fragile this life is.

Rick had not only become a friend over the years through our Boys Bunch group, but also part of a much smaller circle of us that all have gone through this experience and felt fortunate to use that survivor phrase-not a program I recommend but we all made it out the back end and have a bond that I can’t really explain in which we shared this experience and can interact and help one another as need be with our own horror stories, remedies and general life issues that plague us all as we all are different-Everything from swallowing and taste  issues, to neck spasms to general days of still feeling plain shitty due to some of the radiation damage will never go away but as we've been there and the general population hasn't, its a unique and welcome bond and I feel fortunate to have some of these guys to call on or assist!  He had always been amazed as to my progress and speed as to much of my recovery as there were things that I am able to do that even now, he still wasn't able too.  He had expressed some concern over some irregularities over the Holidays to me and I had learned he had to go do some tests last month, but as I mentioned earlier, he never got through the recovery process as I did and he indicated it was just more of the same so never did I imagine the next news would that of his passing-we are all supposed to have beat this damn thing by now!

I have spent much of last night and today back here in the blog and reflecting on my own journey-talk about stirring up nightmares for myself but the realization that I was able to survive the hell of my 2010 treatments and recovery by living the mantra of “control the controllable” and created an environment that allowed me to focus on ways to best help making things work themselves out for the best and survive!  I surrounded myself in as much of a stress free environment as possible by not dwelling or concerning myself with things, people or issues that didn't have my best interests in mind or that I have no control over and focusing on what was in the best interest of beating this beast without any negative influence.  That still needs to perpetuate today although in reality that hasn't been the case over the past year or so as I've slipped back into a "normal" life of sorts where the day to day decisions are predicated on different goals and the stresses that come along with some of those have worked their way back in a multitude of forms and that is simply not healthy. I've allowed myself to lose that focus and control in many ways,  on both a personal and professional level,  that have made for a less than perfect environment for myself and continued health and that needs to be addressed NOW as I am a firm believer that stress IS a killer and C thrives on it.  With my health in check, all else will fall into place where it is supposed to but without it…absolutely nothing matters!  

This is a very scary reminder of how fast things can go so terribly wrong and I need to take care of what I need to for me first and foremost so I can then be here to take care of all the rest as it falls into its rightful place in life:)

All my best and condolences go out to Val, Lian and Logan 

A rather timely post that showed up under my FB feed as was directing you over here as well and I rarely look at these too!  LOL