Thursday, April 17, 2014

Thank God! It's over with a green light as a False Alarm!

A frightening, stressful, anxious week is over! I'd prefer not to be subjected to one of these again thank you, but THANK GOD it all turned out to be, relatively speaking, a non event!  I have been pretty much on auto pilot and going through the motions the last few days trying to suppress the whole "what if" scenario as can't even comprehend having to go through anything like 2010 again and right on the heels of Rick, its been a tough suppression.  As always, for the most part (I did vent a little of that and was grateful for that sounding board so as to not hold all inside as that creates even more anxiety-Thank you!!!) I tried to keep up my happy NBD look but the body and brain know better and beat me up.  I hope I can finally now get a decent nights rest without the nightmares as I'm flat out exhausted and I knew my blood pressure was out of whack-more on that to follow.

I got out of bed and had a plan to keep myself busy and not dwell as I had to wait until my appointment at 3.  I was quite successful right up to the point I made a delivery to Diamond Head Memorial Park.  Today was also the service for a gal that used to work for us at ALOHA Magazine that recently passed away and there was simply no way we could make the service yet as a family and company we had to be represented.  With it being Easter, Pam found we had to have an arrangement made so in the essence of time, I decided it be part of my keep myself busy plan to  pick up and deliver-BAD IDEA as that was not the place for me to be today and I literally broke down.  The general consensus I got was  "Jeff???? Why are you at a cemetery??  GET OUT OF THERE!"  Very good advise as I am anything but fatalistic but not my wisest choice but  my thoughts and prayers go out to Wendy her family and friends-Thank you Lance for putting it all together!

Now the hour approaches for the reading of the tarot cards if you will and as I said going in, I'd like to request the one that says "Just Kidding! Sorry about inflicting all that unnecessary stress and anxiety on you this past week... See you in six months" Please! and essentially that is what happened.

I walk in and of course the brain on overdrive so the fact they took me immediately didn't go unnoticed and odd.  Is this a good sign...or bad? This place is the 800lb Gorilla of Hawaii Oncology and as always, the waiting room is packed.  Even though my Doctor is one of the better of the group about respecting his patient's time, you never get right in.  Again anything out of ordinary....Gulp!  We do skip blood work although did just do last week but the nurse still does vitals.  I've dropped 4 pounds since last week and SHOCKING, my blood pressure is sky high. She is surprised and concerned.  REALLY LADY?  It was elevated last week and you're the one who dismissed as WCS and now, as I'm awaiting these results...your surprised its higher????  It actually is scarily high to be honest :(  She puts me in the room and I can hear her outside telling the Doctor.  He walks in, again odd as nothing ever quick and says "well, guess you heard that and outside of my nurses concerns, that I'm overlooking under the circumstances, although it is high Jeff.....but this should help it come down as the report here says all good!"

OH THANK GOD and can feel the relief for a moment......that's it?  I don't think so as again, known him for some time and there is a look of concern and sure enough he goes right back into exam mode feeling and prodding all around the area of concern on my neck.  I finally ask whats up, you don't believe the path report do you?   No he admits he doesn't as there is certainly a mass there. He wasn't my original Oncologist as many of you may recall my issues with the infamous "Mr. Bill" whom I fired back after my chemo, but in review of my original scan sets back in Jan/Feb of 2010 and his reports, it turns out there was a similar mass here on the left side.  I'm shocked and I can feel the pressure go right back up as I have no recollection of anything on the left, it was just the tumor on my right tonsil and left nasal flange, not left neck?   (I reviewed here as well being my own personal journal and don't see any notation of such either)

So it's back?  Is that what he telling me?

He tells me he assumes the Doctor that wrote the report compared to prior but he hasn't actually "seen" the pictures as for some reason he cant pull up in his office.  He needs to go down to the Dungeon and talk and compare with the Doctor.  WHAT????  This isn't even over.  He promises me he only has one more patient and will go downstairs and call me and to not worry as it may just be scar tissue that has developed post radiation.  Then why never notice before????.  Ahhh shit...more waiting...more questions.  He assures me he feels I'm fine based on the report BUT he needs to do this and still may send me for a PET scan if he has any doubts but to get out of here, go to beach (he knows my passion of the Ocean) and he'll call me by 6.

UUGGHHHH!  I walk out trying to convince myself this is good news and I've at least dropped the threat level from red to yellow...I WANT GREEN!

True to his word.I didn't even get to the club and my phone rings.  He concurs 100% with the path report and gives me that green all clear light!  WOO HOO!

He does hedge a bit that there is something there obviously BUT as it is in no way a cancer, its isn't a concern.  Not to say it will be ignored but he knows I see the ENT in a few weeks and will brief her and he does want me back in a month to follow up.


Swim, sunset, family and friends for the rest of my day and can feel the stress escaping from the body.  Who knew decompressing could be so exhausting???  I'm going to bed!

No comments:

Post a Comment